Robin Reliant

when you get old 

I’m told

“you can’t do that,

take it easy dude

go buy a cat”

maybe grow a beard,

don’t lose your wit

walk with a cool stick

even if you don’t need it,

don’t be derivative,

haste will waste focus, 

concentrate! 

Sushi? give it a try, 

master watching 

wallpaper dry,

sacrifice yourself

to the cult of DIY,

wonky doors 

crooked hinges

Netflix boxset binges,

learn to savour flavour 

reject trainspotter behaviour,

you’re a clay pigeon shooter 

on the loose,

a library book hoarder

strangely aloof,

a sudoku whisperer 

a crossword sleuth,

read every James Herriot book

and try not to laugh,

wear a monocle

go teetotal,

visit the latest exhibit 

and rub your chin,

don’t be “That Guy”,

the old fart jamming

down with the kids,

or the old fart

letting one rip,

old age flatulence

isn’t an embarrassment

if you’ve lost your sense of smell,

when you get old

I’m told to “take a chill pill”,

go write a will, 

sign your wealth over

to a ministry, give them

power of attorney so 

they can invest your 

money into God!

drink casket ale 

poured at room temperature,

remember to remove your denture 

before going to bed,

feed your head

to avoid dementia, 

embrace retirement,  

sell your Robin Reliant,

sentimentality is a fallacy

when you’ve lost all

your faculties, 

when I get old

I’ll refuse to be 

one of a billion causalities  

crapping their pants

and smelling of piss,

hobbling around 

with an endless list

of ailments

mumbling about 

“the good ole days”

with a dumb expression

on my face