Thrown To The Sharks

When I say I don’t want to live

I’m told to just get on with it 

I'm in desperate need of escape 

I can't participate or relate,

verbal spears spat

from the sneers 

gouge at me like a knife,

I love my wife 

but she's dying, 

I'm dying inside 

but I can't let it show, 

if anyone was to know

just how low I feel 

I’d be sectioned again 

housed in a windowless room

my own pharmaceutical tomb,

future plans represent

future complications,

another delayed diagnosis 

a fumbled prognosis, 

how did I find myself here?

another carcass of a year

smouldering, 

rotting

in the noonday sun

remembered by no one,

bones and limbs

picked at and pulled apart,

organ prospectors remove my heart

and auction it off on the dark web,

prepackaged, 

frozen

force fed

dead,

my remains 

become another man’s bread,

my ship, it sailed decades ago

but I couldn’t and wouldn’t let go

unbeknown to me

I’d already jumped the shark

abandoning a stale form of art

rehashed

reheated

a Television dinner 

repeated

I've been stranded ever since,

hitchhiking without a thumb

permanently trying to outrun 

the monotony, 

I just want to move on and let the past be,

you want conversation?

Sorry!

I’ve never wanted to talk about me

I’ve always preferred to write what I see, 

words don’t flow freely when I think, 

sentences write themselves when I drink, 

the slumps I experience  

are a rheumatism of thought

the depths of a true depression 

are never short, climbing out 

of mental retention was a skill

I’d never been taught,

in my mind I’m wandering, rootless

self-discovery remains fruitless

I just can’t write my way out of this

I’ll never be able to find the right words

to capture just how much I don’t want to exist,

what about my invisible illness?

I pretend to be happy for those around me

I display sanity so they don’t 

medicate me further 

I feel so much, it hurts

I ‘macro’ every little detail,

no amount of sedative  

is going to numb the frequencies

that penetrate through my system, 

human adversaries, addiction,

parents insecurities 

passed down

through generations,

what’s the point in childbirth 

if you’re going to fuck the poor kid up

with your systemic aversions?

the current perversions 

embedded in societal norms 

will only do them harm,

I don’t want to be reborn

third times a charm …… right?

if only I possessed second sight 

to avoid the pinwheels of this life,

if I’m forced to go back to the start

I’d rather be pulled apart 

and thrown to the sharks 

again and again

and again and again

and again and again

and again and again 

and again and again 

and again and again

and again and again

and again and again